1) Passengers aboard the stalled cruise ship Carnival Triumph report sewage sloshing around in hallways, flooded rooms, and trouble getting enough to eat. Adding insult to injury, the ship is being towed to Alabama.

2) An asteroid the size of a football field is passing by the earth this Friday, closer than our weather satellites. God released the following press announcement: “Sorry. Bored.”

3) The Navy SEAL who shot Bin Laden is now speaking about the experience. Perhaps most surprisingly, Bin Laden’s last words were, “So much for seeing the end of the Twilight saga.”

4) Some British Airways flight attendants got drunk on a recent flight from London to D.C. Passengers reported them shouting, kissing, and waking people up. A representative of the babies on board the plane commented, “But we’re the assholes, right?”

5) O.J. Simpson reportedly held a Super Bowl party in his cell at Lovelock Correctional Center in Nevada. Apparently, they let him get away with murder in there.